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Farmer Fanfiction

Reporter: Since Empath had first visited the Smurf Village 82 years ago, he has smurfed every available task known to Smurfs with such zeal one could only have wondered why he hadn't found anything specific...not that he was like Dabbler, who was always so easy to distract before he became the village doctor. One of those tasks was basically helping Farmer Smurf tend to his gardening out by the smurfberry bush rows and vegetable fields. Nowadays, Empath is hardly smurfed with Farmer except for occasional disputes between him and any of his other workers that need settling. Has the "luckiest Smurf" in the world completely forgotten some of his fellow Smurfs that helped him become the Smurf he is today?

(Reporter sees Farmer, dressed up in green denim overalls, brown workshoes, and a hay-woven Smurf hat, out by the fields raking a barren patch of soil. He is busy whistling the smurfsong when he hears Reporter approaching him.)

Farmer: Howdy, Reporter. You still smurfing those Inside Stories for the village paper?

Reporter: Still smurfing them, Farmer. I'm just wondering how you ever manage to smurf any time for reading them, since most of the time you're busy smurfing things out here.

Farmer: You know, I do be quite busy to the point where any Smurf may wonder if I ever smurf anything for fun. It isn't easy, I smurf you, because a farmer's job is almost nonstop. Checking the soil to see if it's fertile enough for planting, smurfing out bugs and weeds, smurfing enough sun and water for everything to grow, and harvesting food -- those are the things that are consmurfly on my mind day after day. But I do try to smurf some fun in every now and then, and smurf the village paper for any events smurfing on that Papa Smurf may be too busy to tell every Smurf firsthand.

Reporter: Still smurfing in the tradition of farmer Smurfs that reaches back to your great-great-great-grandfather Macdonald Smurf, the one we always smurf about in that song, "Old Macdonald had a farm, ey-aye, ey-aye, smurf,...!"

Farmer: (chuckles) Yeah, that do be what I am, Reporter. We were one of the few Smurfs who would smurf up before the smurf of dawn every morning just to get smurfing out in the fields. My Papa Smurf and my Mama Smurf had me smurfing like this ever since I was able to smurf a gardening tool, which left me with little time to play with the other male Smurflings my age. I felt a bit left out, wondering why I couldn't smurf any fun of my own.

Reporter: And then your parents smurfed away when you were around 50, as we all had smurfed when Empath's Papa Smurf became the village leader, smurfing us all as his little Smurfs. How did you feel when you had to accept him as your Papa Smurf, just like everyone else?

Farmer: I do feel rather liberated in a way, because my Papa Smurf was such a workaholic who would work himsmurf to the grave if that disease hadn't smurfed him first. It wasn't easy trying to smurf things with Empath's Papa Smurf as the only one who could guide other Smurfs in their duties and settle every little dispute between oursmurfs. But in time, he became so well-adjusted into the role of being the village leader that he actually smurfed back into the calendar those kind of celebrations that most of his fellow Smurfs hadn't smurfed in for a good long while. And then years later, my good friend Tapper finally smurfs the Smurfrock Tavern back into operation, where we get to relax and unwind with a smurfy mug of sarsaparilla ale and a good game of darts. But I never smurf in there too late, because I would end up being too tired to smurf in the fields the next morning.

Reporter: Back when Empath first visited the Smurf Village, he became one of your hired hands out in the fields. What did you think about him smurfing with you in that kind of job?

Farmer: That do be surprising, because somehow I never smurfed someone like Empath as a Smurf who's willing to smurf his hands all dirty. But all the same, he never smurfed off when he's working, he smurfs up right on time and ready for work, and he always smurfed the best job that any Smurf can smurf. Sometimes he even smurfed over for me by carrying in heavy tools or harvested food whenever I'm unable to smurf so. Of course, when Empath started smurfing those incredible abilities of his, I became a little too fearful that he would smurf most of the hard work away from me and the other Smurfs working out here. Empath must have smurfed this about himsmurf, which is why after he turned 100 I hardly smurfed him out here in the fields and mostly smurfing with other Smurfs.

Reporter: But even though you feared Empath smurfing your work away from you, Farmer, you also admired him for his abilities and like the rest of us worshipped him as a saviour who would smurf us all from Gargamel singlehandedly.

Farmer: Yeah, that I do be guilty of smurfing, Reporter. I also at times smurfed about those humans who just smurfed through our village like a wild bull smurfing through Vanity's house...something I do be sure that Vanity wouldn't appreciate. (Chuckles mildly.) Anyway, when the village was smurfed by that rampaging army, I had wished that Empath would've been there to smurf them a lesson. Of course, smurfing the matter into our own hands didn't do much for us because Papa Smurf had to smurf along and smurf us out of that mess. A smurfy thing, too, or else Empath would've smurfed home with nobody in the village to greet him as a friend and not just some admirer.

Reporter: He's not the only Smurf you've been admiring, Farmer. I remember when you smurfed on a mask to hide your face when you were smurfing the secret admirer of Smurfette. How do you feel now knowing that Smurfette's smurfing her sights on Empath?

Farmer: (sighs before he answers) Well, Smurfette's been a wonderful Smurf to be around, I can smurf you that. She loves gardening just as much as I love farming. But as much as I would want to be the one Smurf for her, Reporter, I do be thinking she'd be much smurfier with another Smurf, even if it's Empath. The love of my life has always been the land, and it would smurf the act of a higher power like Mother Nature or that one Almighty Lord that Tapper smurfs about to smurf me away from smurfing good care of my love. Besides, I do be so shy around Smurfette, I don't know what I can even smurf to her other than "hello" or how her garden is smurfing. She does, however, let me know that she does still think of me from time to time, so at least that makes me smurfy.

Reporter: So no thoughts of little Smurflings of your own smurf around inside your head?

Farmer: As I smurfed, Reporter, it would smurf the act of a higher power to smurf me away from my love of the land. Unless we happen to smurf another Smurf Village out there with only female Smurfs.

Reporter: Brainy doubts that there is even such a thing as another Smurf Village with only female Smurfs.

Farmer: Brainy's be good for book knowledge, but his beliefs aren't going to smurf him anywhere except to the outer smurfs of the village. I do be smurfing him for the time he smurfed as the operator of that telesmurf thing that smurfed when Papa Smurf had smurfed that formula on the smurfmelon seeds to make them grow, and the vines grew too long and smurfed out into the village...and out toward that evil Gargamel's castle! (Chuckles.) Anyway, if Handy smurfs that new telesmurf thing to work like he did with the smurfmelon vines before they smurfed their fruit, I do bet my smurfberries that Brainy would be smurfing that thing to no end as the operator again.

Reporter: I noticed that it's really quiet out here in your fields, Farmer. You have occasional talking smurfing on with your workers but there is no music. What's with that?

Farmer: I never really liked smurfing to any kind of music while I work, Reporter, other than whistling the "smurfsong". I do be smurfing in horror whenever I have Harmony smurfing out here with his horn, because his bad playing does make some of my vegetables go kasmurfey. Jokey loves to smurf this on me from time to time since he loves to smurf anything go kasmurfey on someone. Anyway, I do remember my old Papa Smurf smurfing to me that plants grow smurfier when you talk to them, and they grow unsmurfy when you play loud music around them. So as a rule, I don't allow Smurfs to play any music near or in my fields. But when I need to smurf away from my work, I do smurf on some old country records on my turntable back at my house.

Reporter: Did you ever listen to Smurfette's own album, Ray Of Sunshine?

Farmer: I do be smurfing it from other Smurfs when they smurf their crystal disk smurfers around, but I don't even have a crystal disk smurfer of my own to hear it, and Spinner says Ray Of Sunshine won't even be smurfed as a record. Smurfette really sings well, but her style of music is just a little too different for my smurfing. Though I do be hearing that she's smurfing with Twanger on a new album that she's smurfing on, something called Roadside Blues.

Reporter: That's strange, Farmer. I haven't smurfed of Smurfette doing anything else beyond that Ray Of Sunshine album, even from Spinner.

Farmer: Well, that do be the first I ever smurfed of it from my brother Twanger. He was always more into smurfing hoedowns than he was hoeing in the first place. (Sighs.) Anyway, whatever he and Smurfette are up is going to smurf the two of them busy for a while.

Reporter: One final question -- do you ever smurf yourself as competing against Empath for being the second- or third-most important Smurf in the village?

Farmer: I ain't been smurfing any Smurf except for the likes of Brainy or even Hefty for trying to smurf themselves as the second-biggest Smurf of the village. And I ain't been trying to smurf myself as being that big either. I just smurf my job as the village farmer and I smurf it well. I'm just grateful that I don't always have to smurf it alone, since I do get a few Smurfs to help me here and there. Don't smurf me wrong, I do be smurfing for a little recognition because if there wasn't me around, there wouldn't be another Smurf who'd be hard-smurfed to smurf the food on the table like I can. I had to teach the Smurflings that smurfing food is hard work when Nat, Snappy, and Sassette wouldn't smurf their vegetables. But I try not to let it smurf to my head that I'm more important than any other Smurf just because I can smurf something better than any other Smurf.

Reporter: So being content with who and what you are makes you feel smurfy about yourself.

Farmer: That do be what I'm saying, Reporter. As Papa Smurf had smurfed, you don't have to be big in order to be important. You just need to find out where you smurf in with what you can smurf for others, and not to try smurfing everything by yourself, no matter how good you can smurf a whole lot of things. I do be seeing that Empath at times would want to be smurfed as something smaller than what every Smurf has smurfed him out to be.

Reporter: Well, that should smurf things up for this interview, Farmer. I've got to smurf back to the village to get this smurfed up for the Inside Stories. Just want to let you know...the food just wouldn't be the same without you smurfing it for us!

Farmer: (nodding with acceptance) You keep smurfing for the village paper, Reporter. It wouldn't be worth smurfing if I didn't be smurfing your name in it somewhere.

Reporter: (surprised by the compliment) Gee, well, thank you, Farmer! I appreciate that.

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